Dark Nights in the Big City
This year, I am attending school in Seattle at a pretty chill pace of classes. One thing that is a big challenge in attending school is the commute on a daily basis. I have really made my commuting work for me by using my bike as a main means of transportation. Since my class schedule is constantly changing - this school year is keeping me on my toes and making me continue to keep the skill of flexibility in my soul. I find it challenging however, useful to be constantly adapting to a schedule change and I like that it is very hard to fall into monotony. Seattle is a booming city and the price of living there is very expensive. I am using my GI Bill benefits to pay for my school and it also pays a housing stipend that is in conjunction to where I attend school. If you use the GI Bill to do online classes only the stipend is $850 a month. In person classes even if it is only one allows you to benefit from the economy of that city’s prices of living. Going into the city is a great experience for me since my entire life, I have really always avoided city life. I am always amazed at the big buildings and all of the people that are all around at all hours of the day and night. The city is a very interesting place to be a student of life. I am very thankful that I do not have to live in a big city and I am thankful that I was raised in nature in the country and I live to appreciate the country and connection to simple things like trees, other plants, and mountains.
What I love about the society here in the Pacific Northwest is that a huge majority of the population really get outside and enjoy the wonder of the land. They go camping, backpacking, hiking, biking and running regularly (despite the weather.) It is very inspirational. I have to be honest here with myself, I am really struggling at the moment to allow myself to unravel and figure out who I really am. I heard a teacher say this morning on YouTube that our personality that we have created up until this point in our life is our way to protect ourself form the struggles that we faced as a child. If we are tough, maybe we thought that was the only way to survive all of the critizicim that we received for a being sensitive as a child. If we are angry, maybe it is a protective mechanism for never being held and loved and the anger hides our sadness. If we are the helper that is always doing for others, maybe we do this out of habit because we feel that is the only way that we will receive love since we didn’t receive the love and attention we needed when we were little. There are so many layers to our personality that may not be who we TRULY are, but we have just molded by accident into what we THOUGHT we needed to be to get through our life with the least amount of “PAIN and SUFFERING.” I began to wonder if that is the reason I became such a great athlete….. this was the first time I felt that I was accepted or understood by anyone in my life when I was younger, people actually said “Good Job” to me for the first time in my life.
In the end, we all just want to be loved and accepted. I have come to understand that I have a lot to learn about myself and the way I function in the world. I read somewhere yesterday that the only way to truly heal is “ISOLATION” and most of us are unwilling to be alone in order to do that. We continue to use our relationships as a way to keep our current personality alive - not because we really want to, but because it feels COMFORTABLE. This is the reason we continue our live as we know it, not because it is great, but because it is uncomfortable to change. Change is not easy, I experience it so often and after all of these many years, I still struggle with the challenges that change brings me. What I know for sure is that I would rather face the uncomfortable feelings of change and uncover who I truly am at my heart and soul’s center than continue to remain that sad and later angry little girl that never felt loved for who I truly was. I hope to gain more wisdom in order to better understand the struggles that every human in our society faces so I can have more understanding and love in my heart to help anyone that wants to continue to learn more about their own spirit & hearts desires.
