Transformations Are Not Easy, but So Worth It
I experienced some interesting insight this morning while I was working out for the first time in over a month. I have been on the road since the beginning of April and haven’t taken the time for sweat sessions like I would truly enjoy until today. I have my friend Adriana to thank!! Friends are the best medicine to help with any ailment. My insight this morning was first the question “Why have I let myself get off track from where I used to be on the fitness scale?” I was so thankful, for the first time, it all made sense to me. Best thing was, I didn’t do the old habit of negative self talk or putting myself down like I would have been quick to do in the past.
Since I am in Tennessee around the lifestyle that I lived for 18 years as a child, I realized….. I grew up with a very competitive, masculine energy dominated lifestyle. It started when I was four years old, this was my first RACE against all boys on ATVs. Yep, I started competing with men at the age of four. (ha,ha) I was often, if not always the only girl competing in all of the events from the beginning. This is just to give you an idea of my starting point and I won’t share more details about my younger life, because I don’t want this post to be long.
I spent twenty years in a male dominated carreer field and I had the desire to always - hold my own, be as strong as the men, do a better job in many ways, excel etc…. I feel that over the course of the beginning of my life, I became very dominant with masculine energy. Since having completed my career in the Navy, I have really been working balancing out my energy of feminine and masculine. (Thank you Daisy Thompson, master energy healer) I want to be a sensual woman, I want to learn how to allow a man to be in my life without the feeling of competition or fear, and I want to embrace the amazing fact that I am a woman who is extremely lucky to be living in America with all of the freedom I could ever ask for.
In the past year and a half or so, I haven’t been doing intense things like I did all of my life. I don’t surf huge waves, I haven’t been racing, I haven’t lifted a weight in the gym, nor have a wanted to… to be completely honest about it. I have devoted my energy, my heart, and my soul to healing my feminine side - allowing her space to grow, heal, and feel nurtured. I feel lovely about that part, but I wanted to share the internal programing that I feel women I have faced my whole life. There are many body shaming issues we are unfortunately taught by commercialism - that can make women not appreciate our body or our moon cycles. Somewhere along my path, maybe I felt that I was powerless if I didn’t WIN, or beat guys, or win first place, etc…… I mean, we do get a lot of life programming before the ripe age of seven years old.
I am grateful for the way I was raised, I learned so many invaluable things and became a strong and loving woman. However, I have learned that I had much imbalance that no longer served the path I want to walk as my future self. Now is the time in my life is to heal, and rewrite my energy field that I want to exist as in this world. I want to live in harmony with all men and women, not see them as competition. I want to love because the answer is love, not to use “false love” to control another human. I want to embrace the beauty I posses as a woman, and not feel ashamed to be beautiful and sexy. I want to share my heart with others in hopes to set them free to share their own heart with the world.
I am still transforming, I will never stop. However, I was so thankful to have this loving insight today during my workout when I was struggling and I was so proud I didn’t negatively talk to myself in a way that was shaming /unloving. I noticed I had compassion for myself and the work I am doing to become a more whole human who is full of love and letting go of fear and competition as a survival way of living. I want to continue to live in a world of love, abundance, and connection to feel better and serve others in the process.
