ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
I heard a great saying today while studying "we can not transform or change what we don't acknowledge." I definitely understood what she was talking about. My whole life has been spent running around, doing many wonderful things, however, I never acknowledged a lot of things that were lying deep inside of me. I had a lot of sadness inside of me. What we think is normal stuff that happens to us when we are children, teenagers, and adults can all really have a dramatic affect on how we view ourselves and the world. If we don't slow down and acknowledge these things that lie inside of us, we are never going to be at peace with ourselves and our lives.
For example, I wasn't the smartest or most focused child in my classes growing up. I never felt like I fit in (what person EVER feels like they fit in) and I just wanted to feel loved and accepted. We may think that our parents have something to do with these things, and they might, however, this is part of the human journey that each and every person has to go through in their own way. I happened to find out that I was pretty good at sports in middle school, so this was a great avenue to feel "good" about myself RIGHT?!?!? Later on in life, I knew that I could work hard at doing lots of different jobs, make people happy with the results, and make money - it was a win, win, win. All of these seem to be harmless things, but if we grow up thinking that these things are where happiness lie, we are going to be going down the wrong street many times in our lifetime. (I have been good at that) I also want to acknowledge all of the good things that happen from going down lots of different paths. The more experiences you have, no matter if you label them good or bad, they are perfect because they give you a broader understanding of yourself and what you like, or dislike. I call this wisdom or street smarts.
Back to my topic of acknowledgement... if I am feeling sad and I don't first acknowledge it, how can I ever change or transform that feeling. That sadness stays stuck inside me just waiting to be acknowledged. Another thing I have learned is if you have lots of sad days and they add up over the years, you never acknowledge them, they tend to be released in the form of anger or rage. I once read in a book that anger is just sadness that is louder. I really enjoyed that way of putting it, and it has helped me understand myself a lot more as well as a lot of other angry people in the world. Once you can understand that people who are mean, angry, or any other mixed bag of stuff are really just sad little kids, that never got to acknowledge the hurt that they felt inside during many many times of their life and they don't have any more space inside for the sadness so it comes out as anger. Another thing I have learned is there is no feeling or emotion or experience that is better or worse than the other. Everything that me, you, or the next person has been through is important and should be acknowledged as such. It doesn't matter what you experienced as a child, it is important just as important as the next person.
For the past many many years, I have been sad. Of course sometimes you don't realize what you are feeling, but looking back, I was really unhappy with my line of work after I woke up a bit and realized I wasn't living my best life which in my opinion is being free. I worked for many years around many people who were bitter, cynical, and rude/crude to each other and I feel this had an effect of me. I realized I was sad because I didn't have the good relationship with my family that I desire to have. I also realized that I took all of my pain out on the people that were there for me. I am not proud of these realizations, however, I have to acknowledge them before I can change them. I spent the first 6 months of 2018 in tears on a regular basis working through my repressed emotions and working on forgiving myself for the things I didn't know or realize about my life. It was a miserable time, but the good thing is I am becoming a better version of me after acknowledging all of these things. I realized patterns in my life that I want to change; I acknowledged these things and I am working each and everyday to transform them into a new improved more loving version.
Time alone has been the best medicine for me. When will I be able to reintegrate with life as I knew it before? I have no idea, and maybe never. I was so accustomed to performing for others and people pleasing, I really have never known my true authentic self. I look forward to meeting her in the near future. Writing for the past few years has helped me get some of the many thoughts out of my head and on to paper. How am I feeling right now? Tired I am tired of running and tired of the same old habits over and over. I acknowledge these feelings, now, can I transform them?
