Dissapointment
If there has been one lesson that stands out the most for me over the past year or two has been learning to disappoint others. I feel this has been one of the hardest things to do in my adult life. I have always strived to make others happy and please them (or so I thought) with my actions, words, and achievements. Looking back from a new found perspective, I bet no one actually gave a shit about anything I did, said, or achieved because each person is so entrenched in their own life struggles to really notice and care about another persons life.
This is something that has taken me decades to understand. One thing that helped me realize no one cares about what "you" are doing is my yoga practice. I have had so many people say they want to do yoga, however, they are concerned that they will embarrass themselves and people will stare at them. What I have come to understand is when you are in a yoga class the only thing you are focused on is yourself. I may look at others to learn what I am doing, see a new way to do a pose, or notice a cute outfit from time to time, however, I am solely focused on myself and not falling over or passing out. The fear of judgement from others I feel stems from the judgement of ourselves, and honestly, no one really cares about you as much as you care about yourself no matter how you want to spin it.
This past year or two, I have really let a lot of people down, for example, not following through on dinner dates that had been planned, not continuing on a path of teaching or preparing a training that I had planned on, not wanting to hang out with people when the desperately wanted my attention. These examples are just to name a few - there have been many more. What I have come to understand about myself is I have lived my whole entire life wanting validation from someone or something outside of myself. Deep down inside, I never really loved or liked myself because of this, I was ALWAYS searching for love or acceptance from something I did or the way I made another person feel.
I am celebrating this new realization each and everyday. I also understand that it is ok to make mistakes and accidentally slip back into old habits of self judgement and pity. My main vision for myself is to never stay in that frame of mind, only use it as a reference or U-turn point to get back to the true wants, wishes, and desires of my soul. I am still on the journey to understand myself. I know I am exactly where I should be, however, my soul yearns for an adventure. To where? I don't know. What will I do next? I don't know. Who will I spend time with? I don't know. Where will I end up? I don't know. As you can see here, I am getting really good at answering all of the logical questions with "I don't know." I surrender to all of the possibilities that I am unable to see with my logical mind, and I am open to all of the magical happenings that spirit & the universe have to offer me.
