The Hot Loneliness
The brilliant and honest author Glendon Doyle Melton mentioned we must feel the hot loneliness and then we can heal, boy was she right…….
Today is a reflection day (as most are for me) I love to reflect on where I have came from and how much has happened this year. I may not have shared this in a previous post, but my heart was broken open and my pain poured out so intensely at the begging of 2018. I want to “re-share” this because if you are new to reading my post you may think to yourself “well this shit is great, but that contentment, happiness, or gratitude isn’t possible for me or anyone else - this is just a lucky girl.” I do feel very lucky, but luck comes from hard work and saying yes to opportunity when it comes along. My hardest work this year has been feeling my emotions and being honest with how I really felt about myself. I haven’t really loved myself before and I am continuing to work on this relationship each and every day. You may not know, but in January/February of 2018 I left a career/lifestyle that I had been a part of since I was a little girl. I have lived a life of pretending I am strong and keeping my feelings under cover and pretending that I had confidence. Truth of the matter is, I have never felt confident until this year.
Earlier in the year, I had a total breakdown of well being and literally thought I was going to die (or wished I would because the pain was so intense) this lasted for days and I haven’t felt that way for as long as I can remember. (I did have times I wanted to die in my 20’s because I was so sad and lonely it hurt) Anyways, I wanted to share this information again, because I feel it is the cornerstone & foundation of where I am able to write and share from now. Yes, I am still alone, but there isn’t loneliness in my life. I have taken this year as a journey to get to know myself and slowly let go of the “show” I put on for the world. It continues each and everyday, the lessons are life changing, humbling, and never ending.
The two people that have probably witnessed the most of my struggles are my best friends Melanie and Christine. I have been friends with these ladies since the nineties and I always share with them the cold hard truth about how I feel about myself and my life. Now, considering that I am not “in the pain” I am able to openly share it with anyone that wants to know more. I especially like to share what I have learned along the way when I teach yoga classes. It is truly a gift to let my light and honesty shine for another human being and maybe this honesty can help them find the strength they need to face themselves on their journey.
I am making this really short today, I got a new book today and I am itching to dig into it NOW! “The Body Keeps The Score” Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma is the book and I have been wanting to read this for about a year now. It is time, I can be present with the information and I hope to be able to interpret the information and share it in my classes for myself and my own healing journey as well as anyone else that needs the message.
My point in the post today other than reminding myself and anyone that cares is “change is constant, we can’t have the light without the dark, and any pain that needs to be felt must be felt before we can accept the true beauty of our life.” Don’t hide your pain, don’t hide your sadness, don’t hide your tears. You may feel weak in these moments, but I can assure you that once you can sit with the pain, you can truly start to feel what it feels like to be alive and no longer be a prisoner of your own making.
