Following my Instincts
I am writing today from Oahu, and happy to be in a place to be in control of making decisions that work best for me and my life at the moment. On Wednesday, I left the Big Island after feeling loads of stress and pressure the day before in my work at the retreat center. I was put in charge of the kitchen, which included being in charge of five other people before my shift was finished. By the time I was complete with my shift at 1pm, I was almost in tears. This may be a surprise to many people to find out, but being in charge of other people isn’t something I desire to do at the moment. Since I was in my teens and twenties, I have had loads of responsibilities placed on me in Combat Information Center (the place I worked for 20 years on ships) I did this job well and created a “Terrish” that got the job done, but now I realize that isn’t what I am wanting in my life. I realized this past week that I prefer to have some space and time to myself to allow my nervous system to calm down, let my body heal. When I was in my early 20’s I got really sick from all of the stress that I was dealing with with my work and living environment. I feel that I need to honor the peace that I have earned to seek and do my best to take better care of my body and my heart and my mind.
I am on Oahu until Wednesday - while I am here, I will continue to see the most amazing person for colonic treatments. He is a extremely healthy seventy six year old man and I have had treatments from him before. Yesterday was my first appointment and I realize that I need to take better care of my body on many levels, and stress isn’t something that is on the menu for now that is good for me. I thought I would want to stay here on Oahu and do some land and farm work, but the more I have time to think (not with my mind, but with my heart) My heart is telling me to head back to Washington to where I feel safe, and comfortable. I am going to head back to my camper and for the first time have no scheduled events, or agenda. Since getting out of the Navy, I haven’t given myself time to just be. As soon as I finished school, I had trips planned and things that I wanted to do. I have left no room for creativity or silence. I guess I went to the Big Island thinking that I was going to have some time for silence or creativity, but I didn’t expect the stress that it would cause me. I also didn’t expect to be working in the kitchen concerned about feeding 16-20 people on a daily basis. My mind was saying “if I am gonna work this hard, I need to be paid” (ha,ha) I think the retreat center gig is wonderful for people who are looking for a cheap Hawaiian living experience, but for me, since I have already lived and experienced Hawaii in a different way - the fantasy wasn’t fulfilled and it wasn’t a good fit for me.
Now, I am going to enjoy my week here on Oahu. My buddy Zach is still on island and I am certain we will surf a couple times together. When I got to see him the day after I arrived, I met him on the North Shore after I had a meeting with a lovely lady. I told Zach that it felt safe to be around him. I guess I felt pretty helpless being on the Big Island with no freedom or say so in what I was experiencing. I felt like I felt when I was new in the Navy - when you are told what to do, you have no say so….. you must do as you are told, get the work done no matter what it is. That is what I felt being at the retreat center. It is great for me to see how they operate their volunteer program and I was very happy to see how the rain is caught on the property as well. I don’t consider my trip a bad experience, I feel it was a wonderful experience - I met amazing people from around the world and I will have lovely fond memories.
Where to next? First, I am going to enjoy my time here. Today I am going to go to the Marine Corps Base and check the surf there. Hopefully it’s not to big for me to get in and have a good surf mesh. I want to do a hike today - it is called the Pill Box Hike here in Kailua. Most importantly I have another colonic scheduled for Sunday evening and I will get to see Alcyone for 2 more times before I leave the island late Wednesday night. I am so thankful for my life, I am thankful for the lessons I am learning, I am learning so much about myself in each part of the journey. The big thing I have learned is that I LOVE TO BE IN NATURE & I am so thankful to have the opportunity to spend so much time outside. I realized yesterday that I have never regretted selling my home and getting to move into my camper, it hasn’t been the easiest way to live and changing is a process, but I love the feeling of freedom that I get as well as the connection to nature that I get closer to.
